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Jul. 31st, 2011 03:05 amSo they've figured out something's wrong with my head.
I should probably start over. That probably sounds like I'm being facetious. I'm not, but I really don't know how to describe it. My mind apparently works entirely different than the way I thought it did, and people are telling me this explains a lot of shit, but I have no actual comprehension of what this changes, because i didn't know I was wrong.
Functionally, physically, something's built wrong with my brain. As far as I can understand, there's a specific way the brain is supposed to work and handle each kind of impulse. This is pain, this is pleasure, this is happy, this is something to remember. Plain and simple, I'm not doing that. I'm handling regular events like a "normal" person handles trauma and I'm handling trauma by forgetting it.
They started figuring this out because someone finally asked me about this year and I said that I don't remember most of it and apparently that's not what I'm actually supposed to be doing.
I remember everything someone tells me. I'm not forgetting what people are confiding in me. it's not like that. It's just that... things that are happening to me... aren't quite getting themselves in there. The impressions I have of the traumatic thing are purely emotional. I have to try to figure out what happened by what I remember feeling. Everything else is okay. But when it comes to the bad things...
I know it's going to help to know this and I know that now that they do, we can start figuring out how to make me live in the world on the level that I want to be. Those I've told already are basically like "oh, that explain things. This is why you're forgetful. This is why you didn't end up doing that thing you said you would. This is why this always felt really strange to me." So on, and so on. But I mean, it's really frightening to think about something like, I know all the details about this RP character's childhood but I don't remember the last six months of this year. Or that because someone confided in me so much, I know this or that and have no idea about it for myself. And it's really... really... obvious and apparent if I read back that this was what was going on. So why haven't I ever understood that's what was going on? Why didn't anyone else understand this? Now that we do, what am I even supposed to do about it?
Why is it obvious NOW that it was wrong and when I was going through it at the time I had absolutely no idea? And that it still feels fine until after the fact when I look back?
Obviously we all had some idea that I wasn't remembering everything, since I'm one of the few people with Dissociative identity Disorder to be lucky enough to have an actual, official diagnosis. But this is really another level entirely.
Frustrated time, okay? It's one of those things where you need to go through your life and explain to people so they know how to compensate for a deficiency and I really fucking hate that. I don't want to have these conversations. I don't want to have to make this post. I don't want to feel like I have to put myself out and think everyone else can THINK AND FEEL in a way I apparently NEVER CAN AND NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO. Forgive me this, forgive me that, why do I have to ask people to justify me? It's not fair to anyone else. I don't want to go "here's this part of myself that works wrong, so please remember it in the future." WHY AREN'T I WORKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? WHY HAS IT TAKEN TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT?
And exactly how many things might I think have gone wrong and they actually didn't because someone told me it did and I trusted them because my emotional memory fit up? Because hey, yeah. I still have bipolar and I still have all this other crap. I just have this, too.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here. I just know that this is where I'm supposed to start. First, trying to accept that this is how I am. Second, trying to accept it's okay. Third, accepting that I need to ask for leeway because this is how I am.
That's what I know. But where am I supposed to go from there?
I should probably start over. That probably sounds like I'm being facetious. I'm not, but I really don't know how to describe it. My mind apparently works entirely different than the way I thought it did, and people are telling me this explains a lot of shit, but I have no actual comprehension of what this changes, because i didn't know I was wrong.
Functionally, physically, something's built wrong with my brain. As far as I can understand, there's a specific way the brain is supposed to work and handle each kind of impulse. This is pain, this is pleasure, this is happy, this is something to remember. Plain and simple, I'm not doing that. I'm handling regular events like a "normal" person handles trauma and I'm handling trauma by forgetting it.
They started figuring this out because someone finally asked me about this year and I said that I don't remember most of it and apparently that's not what I'm actually supposed to be doing.
I remember everything someone tells me. I'm not forgetting what people are confiding in me. it's not like that. It's just that... things that are happening to me... aren't quite getting themselves in there. The impressions I have of the traumatic thing are purely emotional. I have to try to figure out what happened by what I remember feeling. Everything else is okay. But when it comes to the bad things...
I know it's going to help to know this and I know that now that they do, we can start figuring out how to make me live in the world on the level that I want to be. Those I've told already are basically like "oh, that explain things. This is why you're forgetful. This is why you didn't end up doing that thing you said you would. This is why this always felt really strange to me." So on, and so on. But I mean, it's really frightening to think about something like, I know all the details about this RP character's childhood but I don't remember the last six months of this year. Or that because someone confided in me so much, I know this or that and have no idea about it for myself. And it's really... really... obvious and apparent if I read back that this was what was going on. So why haven't I ever understood that's what was going on? Why didn't anyone else understand this? Now that we do, what am I even supposed to do about it?
Why is it obvious NOW that it was wrong and when I was going through it at the time I had absolutely no idea? And that it still feels fine until after the fact when I look back?
Obviously we all had some idea that I wasn't remembering everything, since I'm one of the few people with Dissociative identity Disorder to be lucky enough to have an actual, official diagnosis. But this is really another level entirely.
Frustrated time, okay? It's one of those things where you need to go through your life and explain to people so they know how to compensate for a deficiency and I really fucking hate that. I don't want to have these conversations. I don't want to have to make this post. I don't want to feel like I have to put myself out and think everyone else can THINK AND FEEL in a way I apparently NEVER CAN AND NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO. Forgive me this, forgive me that, why do I have to ask people to justify me? It's not fair to anyone else. I don't want to go "here's this part of myself that works wrong, so please remember it in the future." WHY AREN'T I WORKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? WHY HAS IT TAKEN TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT?
And exactly how many things might I think have gone wrong and they actually didn't because someone told me it did and I trusted them because my emotional memory fit up? Because hey, yeah. I still have bipolar and I still have all this other crap. I just have this, too.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here. I just know that this is where I'm supposed to start. First, trying to accept that this is how I am. Second, trying to accept it's okay. Third, accepting that I need to ask for leeway because this is how I am.
That's what I know. But where am I supposed to go from there?
